Sunday was a really tough day in the world of Blake. It’s been awhile since I have cried out of deep frustration and I’m here to say, I cried and pitched a quiet, internal fit.
I was frustrated with myself and felt the shoulds rearing up in my thoughts. I should be able to do this. I shouldn’t be taking this long. Everyone says I can do it, why am I falling? “I just want to do this and be done with it and move on!,” I blurt out, no longer able to keep the tears back.
Rock climbing is nothing to get bent out of shape about, has been my motto. I do this because I love it, because it is fun, the constant reminder to myself. At the end of the day, I feel sad and exhausted. I don’t want to give up, yet I really want to give up and move on.
It was a tough day, and that’s okay. Now, what do I do with it?
I take a quiet walk in the darkness of the desert and, allowed to feel my feels, my heart finally relaxes. No longer driven to resist emotion, my self-pity is forgotten.
At the beginning, while working hard to make progress, I was intent, inspired, respectful of the difficulty ahead of me. But I started seeing my objective as simply physical. Yes, I can physically meet this challenge. Over so many attempts, my physical abilities rose to the occasion and I felt free to reduce the goal to mere strength and technique. As I narrowed in on completion, I lost my focus, grew casual, and let Expectation push me around.
The last 10% is the hardest. The last tying together, the manifestation of hard work, the calm drive toward the end goal. So easy! And then the director yells CUT! and reality sets in....
While separating our experiences into only emotional or only mental or physical may be tempting, we set ourselves up for frustration. How many times have you been wiped out from a long day at work and forgotten to move around enough and even sweat a little? Forgotten to take care of yourself. Or, seen how difficult ‘getting fit’ can be when we feel really out of shape? Forgotten the love of movement, even when it includes a reminder we are not 20 anymore. We all know examples from our lives.
Next time you find you’ve back yourself into a corner, mentally, emotionally or in a physical pursuit, try taking a step away. Like your internet modem, we all do really well being unplugged and allowed to reset regularly.
Give those emotions and thoughts bumping around their due respect and remember that they are not you. Let them rise up and give them a radically honest glance. Where are the gaps and how can I see what is and let go of what I wish it to be?
Ask yourself, what am I hoping to get out of this goal? Practice gratitude for how far you’ve come. And always (always) be kind to yourself along the way, even if it means being firm 😊